What They Don't Tell You About Laser Hair Removal

So my friends convinced me that I would LOOOOVE laser hair removal because it is no secret that I have more hair than the average female. With the exception of the bottoms of my feet and the palms of my hands I could singlehandedly support a laser hair removal technician over the next two years if I choose to be completely hairless.
I was terrified that it would be excruciatingly painful and my fear was confirmed when I was given prescription strength numbing cream for my nether regions. I was told it needed to be put on 2 hours prior to my treatment for maximum numbing. Unfortunately for me, I had to work prior to going and was running late.
I rushed home to shave myself quickly (which is never a good idea) and slathered on the cream in all the areas I wanted her to laser. Then I was instructed to put cellophane on it so it did not ruin my clothes. It occurred to me that you can’t really put the cellophane on top, you sort of have to wrap it around you; like a diaper. When I explained to my spouse why I was walking funny he squealed with glee, retrieved the camera and chased me up the stairs to document my current predicament.
In the car I began to get really nervous. I was not sure that my cream was on long enough prior to my hair scorching and I began to feel sweaty and sticky. Cellophane doesn’t really “breathe” and as my nervousness increased my stomach began to churn and I realized that I was going to have to fart. I was considering carefully what might happen when one farts and their entire groin is wrapped tightly in plastic wrap. I was sure that the fart would stay trapped and only break free once I unwrapped myself which I assumed would be in the room where I was getting lasered and, for all I knew, with the technician present. This was not really the first impression I was looking to make on a complete stranger who would soon be viewing my crotch in all its glory. It seemed bad enough that the lack of air combined with the cream had made me sweaty and sticky. Now there would be a smell she would surely find horrifying not knowing it came from nerves and not a lack of hygiene.
Shaking, I arrived for my appointment and was told to head to a room. There I reviewed the disclaimers that informed me I would be red, swollen and sore for anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks. “It will look like you were stung by a bee”. I have never been stung in the bikini area before so this was not encouraging. I lied and said I had to go to the bathroom and was relieved when she told me I would “unwrap” there. Once back in the room I introduced myself to the stranger that would be applying a laser beam to my labia and tried to smile. She lead me to the table and said,
“Ok, I need you in what we like to call froggy position”.
I panicked. “Can we dim the lights? Can I have a drink first”? I needed something as I usually don’t “froggy” on the first meeting.
She proceeded to muscle me into the position then handed me sunglasses to protect my eyes while she hit my more sensitive area with a burning hot laser beam at close range.
“So, what do you do for a living”, she asked.
“Clearly based on my comfort level and the awkwardness of my froggy, not stripping”.