Divorce Decorum

Divorce is a difficult time in anyone’s life and if you have children it is even more complicated. I liken the initial effects of divorce on children to being fired from a job you love as an adult. They did not choose this and will likely never understand fully why something they love has come to an end.

It can be difficult to navigate the first few months post divorce (or separation) but here are some suggestions on how to keep the peace while you sort out what to do next:

1. Forgive: they may have cheated, lied or just simply neglected your relationship but you have to let it go and move on. Don’t harbor any negative attitudes as you will certainly convey that to the children; they are far more intuitive than we sometimes give them credit for and in the end it will only make you look bad.

2. Draft a clear schedule: one of the big causes of controversy in a post divorce environment can be a lack of a clear and concise schedule. Taking some time to draft something that is practical and works as well as possible for both of you will keep conflict to a minimum and offer the kids some consistency which is really important for their adjustment.

3. Share responsibilities: some people think that when they get divorced all those issues they had with their spouse will go away. Unfortunately, some of them actually get worse. If you had a problem with your spouse’s level of involvement you may find that post divorce they are even worse at getting the kids to school, homework help, and showing up for recitals. Make sure they understand the role they need to play and its importance to the kids then let it go. Don’t take it all on yourself as it will only make you bitter and resentful and odds are good that is what got you here in the first place.

4. Communicate as much as possible without conflict: today we are lucky because we have many ways to convey important information. If you find that your wounds are still raw and talking with your ex (even about what time to pick up the kids) stirs anger and hostility in you, find another way to communicate for a while. Details need to be discussed and if every time you talk you en d up in an argument, just send information via email. You can still get things done while avoiding unnecessary fighting.

5. Go together: no matter what your situation make an effort to stand unified for the kid’s sake as often as possible. Be it teacher conferences, sporting events, school functions; the more you can appear civil and put the kids first, the more secure they will feel. If you insist on not attending if your ex is there, your kids will feel responsible for alienating one parent or the other and that pressure is not healthy for their development.

6. Encourage love: not matter how much you may despise your ex; your kids love them just as much as they did before. Nurture that love because it will serve you in the end. Transitioning back and forth for kids can be tough and if you have painted dad as a neglectful parent, your kids will be less enthused to go there and you will be the one handling the melt down.

7. Go together: no matter what your situation make an effort to stand unified for the kid’s sake as often as possible. Be it teacher conferences, sporting events, school functions; the more you can appear civil and put the kids first, the more secure they will feel. If you insist on not attending if your ex is there, your kids will feel responsible for alienating one parent or the other and that pressure is not healthy for their development.

Remember that how you handle yourself will speak volumes to your children. If you maintain a level of dignity, in the long run you will show them that even difficult circumstances can be handled with grace and that their needs were the most important thing to you.